All Saint’s Day

The day after Halloween is called All Saint’s Day in the church and it is a day for remembering the people who touched our lives while alive. And so I was pretty sensitive and sad that day, although it took me until nightfall to figure out way.  It would have been nice to figure out why I was so sensitive and emotional earlier in the day, so I could have taken better care of myself, but oh well-I can’t change the past.

My church had celebrated All Saint’s Day two days before and fortunately I attend a feminist Christian congregation, so it is perhaps the only church I know where I can speak openly about what I am experiencing without fear of judgment.  That means more than words can express.  We got an opportunity to share a memory that involved a person that we wanted to honor and I shared how I have decided to remember my fetus.

I guess because I have always wanted a girl, the fetus always seemed female to me.  At first, I hesitated naming the fetus I had aborted, but I needed a way to give meaning to what I’d done.  I just could not escape the fact that I had aborted something that had been alive and precious and I felt giving it a name would help give its short existence some meaning.

So what should I name it?  I had no personality traits to go on-no romantic story to inspire me, so I did the best I could-I figured out what her birth signs would have been and tried to make do with that.  I discovered that she would have been an Aries and so I named her Ariel. I think the name is beautiful and I like the connection with the story of The Little Mermaid for two reasons-1. In the original, Hans Christian Anderson version, the little mermaid is fascinated by souls and falls in love with the idea of having a human soul herself (as merpeople do not possess souls), which does seem apropo. 2. In both the original and the Disney version, the little mermaid has a beautiful voice and loves to sing.  I also love to sing and I would like to imagine that that might be something that I would pass onto my own child.  That, and Love.

The Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen

I Needed Inpatient Hospitalization, Not Your Condescending Attitude

Me: Despite this, I still feel like my thirties are better than my twenties…

Ex:  Well, of course!  You’re not in the hospital!

This was the end of one of my conversations with my ex when I was telling him about my abortion.  My twenties had some great times, but also some really horrible times spent in panic mode as I struggled to make the periods between hospitalization and recovery programs farther apart.  Some of the times in hospitals and other programs were horrible, but certainly not all.  And it certainly could have been worse-I could have been dead.

I used what my ex  said to comfort me for a while, but then, whoops!-I landed back in a hospital program to deal with the postpartum depression.  Fortunately, I did not use his words to ruin my recovery, but they would surface every once in a while and bother me. Sometimes I did comfort myself by saying that I was not inpatient.  I cannot say that anymore.  After my last post, I was discharged from the hospital program.  I did very well for a few days and then I started to become overwhelmed by an incredibly intense sense of loneliness.  Panic set in and negative thoughts clouded my brain.  By the time I saw my doctor, the negative thoughts had turned to voices. I knew my medications needed to be adjusted, so I agreed with my doctor when he said he would like me to go inpatient for a little while.  I needed a major med overhaul and the quickest and safest place to do so would be at an inpatient facility, where I could see him everyday and also be monitored myself for any medication side effects, my own safety, and to make sure my symptoms decreased.

I just got discharged last Tuesday night and ultimately, I am glad that I went.  At first, my disease tried to make me feel bad about coming back, but it was worth it, for I am feeling so much better.  My medications are almost completely changed and I feel like a new person-at times.  I am back in the intensive outpatient program at the same hospital, to make sure that I stay stable and to work on decreasing the pressure on my panic button by learning how to reframe my thoughts.

But now I am angry when I think of my ex’s words.  So you’re telling me that going to the hospital is worse than aborting a fetus?!  How stigmatizing and how untrue!  Life is sacred.  My fetus was a sacred bundle of life and is not to be dismissed.  The way he said those words were very dismissive of Her sacredness.  (For some reason, I have assigned my fetus female status.  I have also named her Ariel.  I will talk about why in another posting.)  Yes, I aborted her, but it was to save my own life-it was NOT because I dismissed her own sacred being.  Another thing-going to the hospital is not a bad thing.  Like I said in my last posting, it is not something to be ashamed of and statements like this certainly reinforce feelings of shame.  I needed to be there, because I need to be here.  There is nothing wrong in asking for help in the quest to stay alive.  For some people, like my ex, the quest to stay alive is not so hard, but for me it is an almost constant struggle against my diseased and depressed brain and yet, I have a purpose that requires I stay alive for as long as I am needed.  My purpose is to bring Heaven to Earth.  It is to be kind and loving and to be embrace and celebrate Life’s Sacredness.  Ariel and I will not be shamed into submitting to the patriarchy.  We will survive and thrive and help make the world a better place.

By the way, I still think my thirties are gonna be better than my twenties, but with a twist.  My twenties were not bad, because they helped make me the person I am today.  But my thirties are where I am now and my intentions for them are great.

Two Suicide Prevention Events in GA

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention – Metro Atlanta Chapter is hosting a vigil to remember those lost to suicide as a kick-off for activities for National Suicide Prevention Week. Speakers include GA Representative Stephanie Stuckey-Benfield, Pastoral Counselor Adam Garner, AJC Columnist Jim Osterman, and survivor of her mother and son’s suicides, Sherre Yager, and more. Music by Lindsay Rakers. Tuesday, September 6, 8 – 9 p.m. No registration necessary. Take MARTA or park in SAGE parking facility. 50% off coupons for Willy’s Mexicana Grill available Piedmont Park at 12th Street Entrance (inside the park) http://www.facebook.com

Registration is open for the Suicide Prevention Coalition of Georgia Conference, Together We Can: Looking Back, Moving Forward, September 8-10, at the Macon Conference Center in Macon . Online registration is open until September 1 and daily onsite registration will be available. There is no registration fee for conference participation. Continuing Education Units (CEUs) have been applied for through UGA’s School of Social Work and the Alcohol & Drug Addiction Certification Board of Georgia. Accommodation information is at www.marriott.com. Submit conference questions via email to RegistrationMHDDAD@dhr.state.ga.us

Comments: Thoughts of suicide go along with postpartum depression.  Although I did not attempt suicide while going through my depression, I was very tempted.  I had obsessive thoughts about killing myself, sometimes all day long.  Fortunately, I got help.  I also knew myself well enough to know that I would not need to be an inpatient at a hospital, as long as I got into an outpatient program pronto.  This self-knowledge is only available to me, because I have experienced depression and suicidal urges many times and have been hospitalized many times, so I now know what my limits are.  I also knew that if I did not get help the day after I experienced obsessive thoughts all day, then I would need to become an inpatient after a relatively short period of time.  But let me be clear: there is no shame in being an inpatient at a mental hospital-I just know myself by now and do not want to become an inpatient if I do not truly need it.  I did, however, know that I needed to be hospitalized in a more intense outpatient program than the one I was currently in and fortunately, I was able to appropriately express my needs and that is exactly what happened.  Hopefully, this will be my last week in an intense outpatient program and it has helped me a lot.  I have learned how to prevent a relapse and I have begun addressing the feelings that followed my pregnancy and abortion.  It is my hope that this will be my last mental hospitalization, but I do know that if I ever need to go back, it is available.  I believe it is better to be hospitalized than dead before my time.

A Little Bit

A little bit about me and my blog-I am in recovery from schizo-affective disorder, bipolar type, an eating disorder, and cope with the pain of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome.  The eating disorder (ED-NOS) is pretty much in remission and I was doing very well with my other disorder until I got pregnant.  Then my hormones went out of control and I started becoming depressed.  I always knew that if I got pregnant, I would have an abortion, because of how it would hurt my joints and because I knew it would affect my mental well-being.  I suspected that I would develop postpartnum depression.  So I had the abortion and I am still glad I did, but unfortunately, I did not know that I would still develop postpartnum depression.  This site is not especially for or against abortion, although I am in favor of giving women the choice.  So far, it is not attempt to politicize my situation, but to provide information and insight into the life of someone who can now add postpartnum depression to their list of recovery situations and disorders.  I will have other topics on here as the abortion becomes less of an issue in my mind.  These topics might be: kink, how sex can be healing, processing trauma, protecting one’s self, boundaries, and masturbation.  No trolling or negative comments are allowed at all, as these are sensitive issues.  Disagreement, sure, but nothing that attacks me or another person.  No harmful comments are allowed.  This is not a safe space, but I will be as respectful as possible about the issues.  This is above all a recovery site that promotes sexual healing and hope.