Archives for category: sexuality

slut: a woman with the morals of a man. ~ anonymous

Control your whoremones, slut!  ~ anonymous

My first date was fantastic!

We met at a coffeeshop and talked for a few hours, then moved to a restaurant and talked for a few more.  I then attended my date’s improv show and cheered him on – I had forgotten how fun improv is!

My first date was also weird, because I did not feel much romantic chemistry between the both of us.  I really enjoyed spending time with him, but on the way home, I felt so confused.  I started to go over in my head the details of my previous relationships going back to seven years ago and then I had an epiphany….

I’m not a slut anymore!

In shock, I realized that my pattern is to have sex first and then decide to pursue a relationship afterwards. (I reclaimed the word, slut, ever since I played Janet in a local cast of Rocky Horror Picture Show, about a decade ago.)  I laughed to myself and thought, “well, maybe this will be my first adult relationship. This must be what other people experience on a first date!”

Except, it wasn’t.  Maybe it is not wise to end the first date in bed but I do think that there should be some kind of romantic connection.  And there wasn’t.

The second date ended painfully awkwardly.  I had some questions answered that let me know that this person is not long term romantic relationship material.

Honestly, I feel a bit burned.

I also feel confused.

I feel like what I want is just not out there.

I want someone who does not believe love is possessing another and yet likes to play with power exchange.  I want someone who is untraditional in bed and yet will still want to go to church with me on Sunday nights.  I want someone who wants to have long, stimulating, intellectual discussions on politics, pop culture, and philosophy and yet will also be comfortable in silence.  I want someone who is both spiritual but yet still periodically questions the existence of God.

I want a partner, preferably one who identifies with feminine energy.

I want someone to cuddle with while we watch TV.

Sometimes I want intimacy so badly my arms and soul ache.

The phrase that I keep coming back to in my mind is that I just want someone who will make life easier.  Not easier as in a sugardaddy or a parent, but easier in having someone who makes life more bearable when it is too hard, who gives me love, support, encouragement, new ideas, and laughter.  Someone who will remind me not to take life so seriously.  I would hopefully do the same for them.

But where to find this person?

I have no idea!

I plan to attend more munches next month but they tend to not attract the churchgoing crowd.  I plan to attend church more often but it tends to not attract the poly crowd.  (That’s not really the reason why someone should attend church more, anyway…)

After second thought, I really do not think there is anything really wrong with having sex on the first date.  It may not be the norm and may not be a practice that would be wise to purposefully set out to accomplish, but if it happens, it happens.  What my last few dates made me realize is that the sexual connection is very important to me.  I do not think that being a well adjusted adult means that I have to start following expected dating protocol.  Reading Audre Lorde’s classic work, Sister Outsider, has made me realize that being a responsible adult actually means listening to and following my own voice.  I do not need to follow society’s dictations, but rather, to the “yes” that is inside.  This is a hard thing to do but it offers the ultimate liberation.

Beyond the superficial, the considered phrase, ‘It feels right to me,’ acknowledges the strength of the erotic into a true knowledge, for what that means is the first and most powerful guiding light toward any understanding. (56)

I got on the internet dating scene because I felt the need to control and speed up the dating process but I feel inside that my best practice will simply be to do what I love and be open to the possibilities that are around me – that is what has worked well for me in the past.  It is hard to give up control but I know the universe has much better directions for me.

fullsizeoutput_1ec

(bus outside Sycamore Canyon in Arizona)

 

 

We must not heed those who advise us to think as human beings since we are human and to think mortal things since we are mortal, but we must be like immortals insofar as possible and do everything toward living in accordance with the best thing in us.  (62, Mark Vernon, Plato’s Podcasts)

 

I am in the most awkward of awkward sexual situations, which is why I started this blog.  You know how LGBT activists will sometimes point out that straight people do not have to keep their romantic relationships hidden out of fear of rejection or worse in order to gain more understanding? I do, because I do!  

Funnily enough, I have recently discovered that sometimes even a heterosexual relationship has to remain hidden.  Mine is.

“My Dad met my girlfriend first.  Now I have to hide my boyfriend.  It’s surreal to be hiding my straight relationship. #PolyProblems” 

When I think about it, I laugh.

Let me explain it a little more thoroughly.  I am in the best relationship I have ever been in but polyamory is still pretty new to me.  I am in a triad, which is where there are three people who are in a committed relationship together.  To me, the saying is true that being poly just means that there are more people to love.

 We’re really a very normal couple.  Well, okay, our sex life is a bit different but in most ways we are like every other couple.  We eat dinner together and watch TV.  We meet for coffee.  We support and love each other.  If there is anything exceptional about us, it is how well we communicate.  Of course, we are not perfect and misunderstandings do happen but we are also able to address the issue and resolve it usually fairly quickly.  This makes me so happy – I don’t think a poly relationship could survive without decent communication skills.

 Here is where my situation gets really weird – the poly relationship I’m in involves two females and a guy.  My dad is cool with my sexuality and doesn’t know about my lifestyle yet.  He was at a farmer’s market and my girlfriend happened to be there and so without thinking about the possible ramifications, I introduced her to him as my girlfriend.  He was so nice and accepting about it but I then was left with a dilemma – come out as poly, so I can also introduce him as my boyfriend or keep the straight part of my relationship in the closet for a while.  Of course, I have decided to take the cowardly road.

But not for long.  We talked about it and neither one of us likes feeling fake, so we are both going to start coming out of the poly closet soon.  It’s also about showing the other respect.  To be out about one aspect of a relationship but not the other unintentionally makes that person feel less important and like a less valid part of the relationship.  In order for us to feel as comfortable as we would like in this world, we need to be out among our families.

Having a heterosexual relationship be in the closet is sexually awkward.  Having a relationship that appears to be homosexual but really is not is also incredibly awkward sexually and socially.  And so that is the purpose of this blog – to support those who feel weird about their sexual lifestyle and to make light of some incredibly awkward situations.  Besides talking about my current relationship, I am also going to tell some hilariously sexually awkward stories from my past.  I really do believe that sex and sexuality is awkward much more often than the picture that Hollywood tries to paint.

 

 I cannot wait to share my awkward stories and insights with you!