Archives for posts with tag: acceptance

People don’t know the half of it but they don’t need to know it either.  ~ Anonymous

My mom was surprised that my dad responded so well to my coming out as poly but I really was not, although I was very relieved.  There are some things between us that I do not think my mom knows about – I’m guessing she does not know about the time my dad walked in on me after just having sex with my then boyfriend.

Yes, that boyfriend, the awful one that caused me to start this blog.  

At the time, I was still living with my parents.  The basement used to be our TV area but things changed and now the top level hosts our family room.  Naturally, b.f. And I wanted some privacy and privacy can be really hard to come by when you’re living with your parents.  We descended to the basement because my parents hardly ever spent time down there, especially when they were two floors above us watching television.  Surely, some sex between the two of us would be safe in the basement, right? Well, it would have been except that I am a slut (really.  I played Janet in Rocky Horror Picture Show for a year in 2005!) and I do not like to put my clothes back on immediately after intercouse.  

Why spoil the mood by putting clothes back on?

Fortunately, b.f. Did put his boxers on.

I say fortunately because as my b.f. Is sitting on the couch and I am curled up next to him completely naked, my very sweet father comes down the stairs and asks us if he can get us anything to drink.

I am mortified.  

The part of my brain that send words to my mouth malfunctioned and all I could say was, “oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.”

My dad, to his credit, immediately turned around and said embarrassedly, “Ok, you’re busy!” He rushed upstairs and needless to say, did not bother us any more that night.  I suspected then and I am positive now that he did not tell my mom.  Everyone involved was embarrassed and just wanted to forget the whole incident. Except, how can you forget something like that, really?  The moment is seared into my brain.

Here’s the weird thing that I am only now realizing in the recall of that terrible event – how my dad reacted brought us closer together.   He kept my confidence and he respected my space.  He did not try to shame me but recognized that I am an adult who deserves intimacy and privacy.  Perhaps he learned the importance of knocking.

A few months later when I announced that I was pregnant, neither of my parents shamed me or got upset.  We accepted that I needed an abortion and we treated it like a logical medical decision because I believe, that is what it is.  Or at least they did.  Unfortunately, the breakup, the hormones, my already too high anxiety, all made me spiral out of control and I spent the next year trying to pick up the pieces.  I eventually was able to pick them up and make my life better but that was only after a lot of misery and heartache.

I guess what I’ve learned is that awkward moments suck in the moment but if handled respectfully can bring two people closer together.  Respect for intimacy earns trust and so I trusted that my dad would accept me.  

I’m still not going to tell my mom about what happened though. Some secrets really are best kept secret.    

 

                                  

 

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Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.  ~ Margaret Wheatley

I have good news!  As it turned out, I did not need to get out a flogger in order to convince my bad roommate to leave!  She left a few weeks ago and I couldn’t be happier!  No more walking on eggshells!  I can now turn on my vibrator as loud as I want during the day (and I do).  Bliss!

Another wonderful thing that happened is that with the stress of bad roommate off my mind, I could finally think about telling my dad about my poly relationship.  The other two are going to get married in a few months and the longer I wait, the more awkward it’s going to be when my dad finally finds out, so the day that bad roomie moved, I told my dad over breakfast.  

It was not even awkward at all!

You see, I have been practicing telling my father in my mind and with my therapist for months.  While I love being able to share awkward stories with you all, the anxiety of awkwardness really is not a lot of fun.  I practiced telling my dad about my relationship in a lighthearted, non dramatic way and the day when I felt so positive because B.R. (Bad roommate) was leaving, I knew I was ready.  

Here is how it went, in case you ever need to tell someone you care about about your loving, non traditional relationship:

Hey, Dad, you remember that time about this time last year, when I had a panic attack at my girlfriend’s house and you had to pick me up? And you remember how you spoke to a man on the phone but you didn’t know who he was?

*Pause* – yes…

Well, I wasn’t ready to tell you then but I’m ready now – that man is my boyfriend.  I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend.  It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in and the longest one too.  They’re really good people.  

*That’s great.  I trust that you can pick out good people!  I’m really glad you told me.

(Here’s where my brain turned inside out.  WHAT?!  Doesn’t he remember my past relationships?! How about the relationship that started this blog so many years ago, you know, the one that landed me in the mental hospital and prompted an abortion?!  I think he trusts me more than I trust myself!)

And Dad, here’s where the relationship gets even more out of the ordinary – the other two have known each other longer and are getting married in a few months and I’m going to be their maid of honor.  I know most people wouldn’t be able to handle this kind of relationship, but for some reason, I’m fine with it and am very happy.

*As long as it makes you happy, that’s the important thing!

~~~

And that was that!  I am out and accepted by both of my parents now and B.R. Is gone too!  I feel so free!

My mom had been worried that the news would stress my dad out but he accepted it fine.  I think all of our previous awkward sexual conversations have prepared him for today.  By now, he knows that I am sexually and romantically adventurous and he seems to have accepted it.  What blows my mind is for the trust he seems to have in me – that is a gift that I do not take lightly.  If you ever visit my recovery blog, Hope Is Real!, then you know that I have worked hard on myself and I guess that work shows.  It’s a very gratifying feeling! 

I am so lucky to have parents that are open and accepting.  I don’t want children but if I did, I have two wonderful role models on how to parent nonjudgmentally.  It is also a gift to me that my dad and I can converse so healthily now – we used to have a rocky relationship and we even went to family therapy because all we did was fight. Even though I was an adult, I was stuck in the child’s role and my dad was stuck in the lecturer role.  I hope that can give some of you some hope that family dynamics can get better with time if the people care.  However, I am aware that not all family members do care and if you’re in that kind of situation then I hope you can find satisfaction in living the life you want without them.

Practicing a hard conversation ahead of time is a great skill I’ve learned over the years.  So many people want a quick fix to all their problems, but I have found with my anxiety, that my problems usually get better over time with lots of practice.  Practicing can be miserable sometimes but it also can be fun, especially when what you’re practicing involves floggers and rope.  Have fun practicing whatever your relationship needs, whether that be a hard conversation or fabulous sex!