Archives for posts with tag: Audre Lorde

slut: a woman with the morals of a man. ~ anonymous

Control your whoremones, slut!  ~ anonymous

My first date was fantastic!

We met at a coffeeshop and talked for a few hours, then moved to a restaurant and talked for a few more.  I then attended my date’s improv show and cheered him on – I had forgotten how fun improv is!

My first date was also weird, because I did not feel much romantic chemistry between the both of us.  I really enjoyed spending time with him, but on the way home, I felt so confused.  I started to go over in my head the details of my previous relationships going back to seven years ago and then I had an epiphany….

I’m not a slut anymore!

In shock, I realized that my pattern is to have sex first and then decide to pursue a relationship afterwards. (I reclaimed the word, slut, ever since I played Janet in a local cast of Rocky Horror Picture Show, about a decade ago.)  I laughed to myself and thought, “well, maybe this will be my first adult relationship. This must be what other people experience on a first date!”

Except, it wasn’t.  Maybe it is not wise to end the first date in bed but I do think that there should be some kind of romantic connection.  And there wasn’t.

The second date ended painfully awkwardly.  I had some questions answered that let me know that this person is not long term romantic relationship material.

Honestly, I feel a bit burned.

I also feel confused.

I feel like what I want is just not out there.

I want someone who does not believe love is possessing another and yet likes to play with power exchange.  I want someone who is untraditional in bed and yet will still want to go to church with me on Sunday nights.  I want someone who wants to have long, stimulating, intellectual discussions on politics, pop culture, and philosophy and yet will also be comfortable in silence.  I want someone who is both spiritual but yet still periodically questions the existence of God.

I want a partner, preferably one who identifies with feminine energy.

I want someone to cuddle with while we watch TV.

Sometimes I want intimacy so badly my arms and soul ache.

The phrase that I keep coming back to in my mind is that I just want someone who will make life easier.  Not easier as in a sugardaddy or a parent, but easier in having someone who makes life more bearable when it is too hard, who gives me love, support, encouragement, new ideas, and laughter.  Someone who will remind me not to take life so seriously.  I would hopefully do the same for them.

But where to find this person?

I have no idea!

I plan to attend more munches next month but they tend to not attract the churchgoing crowd.  I plan to attend church more often but it tends to not attract the poly crowd.  (That’s not really the reason why someone should attend church more, anyway…)

After second thought, I really do not think there is anything really wrong with having sex on the first date.  It may not be the norm and may not be a practice that would be wise to purposefully set out to accomplish, but if it happens, it happens.  What my last few dates made me realize is that the sexual connection is very important to me.  I do not think that being a well adjusted adult means that I have to start following expected dating protocol.  Reading Audre Lorde’s classic work, Sister Outsider, has made me realize that being a responsible adult actually means listening to and following my own voice.  I do not need to follow society’s dictations, but rather, to the “yes” that is inside.  This is a hard thing to do but it offers the ultimate liberation.

Beyond the superficial, the considered phrase, ‘It feels right to me,’ acknowledges the strength of the erotic into a true knowledge, for what that means is the first and most powerful guiding light toward any understanding. (56)

I got on the internet dating scene because I felt the need to control and speed up the dating process but I feel inside that my best practice will simply be to do what I love and be open to the possibilities that are around me – that is what has worked well for me in the past.  It is hard to give up control but I know the universe has much better directions for me.


(bus outside Sycamore Canyon in Arizona)




This post is cross-posted with my recovery blog, Hope Is Real!

 Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” 

― Audre Lorde

A week ago, I was still really struggling and sad about The Pulse Shooting.  Ok, so I’m still struggling and sad about it but I was much more so that day.  I decided to do a memorial service during the two LGBT support groups that I facilitate where I work and I had written something long and angry.  Fortunately, I had a therapy session before the service and it was so helpful.  “I want you to feel how connected you are,” my therapist said.  She reminded me that I needed to be part of my community, the importance of not hiding and taking care of myself.  I felt bolstered up, being reminded of the interconnectedness of all people and I left knowing that I needed to rewrite my service.  I majorly edited what I wrote, which was a mix-match of several blog posts, and ended it with a question about self-care.  In our quest to make sense of the horror, we need to reach out, support each other, and take care of ourselves.  It is essential for our survival.  Here is what I read last week:

The point of recovery is not to be perfect.

The point of recovery is not to never feel pain.

We are grieving.  

The best way to feel better when something tragic has happened is to allow yourself to go through the grief.

Ignore the grief and it will gradually catch up with you.

The point of recovery is not to never be anxious but not to be crippled by it.

The best way to allow myself freedom is to let myself grieve.

In our grieving, let us remember that we are all connected.

We have community.  We are not alone.

Grief is natural but let us not isolate in it–let us come together and be there for each other.

Let us not wallow in misery but take care of ourselves and for each other.  What do you do to take care of yourself, your emotional, physical, and spiritual self?