Archives for posts with tag: family

Being in the closet sucks for the person who has to hide out of fear of rejection, but it also sucks for his/her family and friends who miss out on the precious gift of loving someone who feels safe, completely whole, and free to be who they are.  ~ Anonymous

One of my roommates has moved out.  We are sad to see her go but we must move on.  I made an ad and it was promptly answered.  One of the potential roommates came over to look at the room and we really hit it off.  We had a really pleasant conversation and she seemed like a good fit, so when she asked if there was anything else she should know, I told her about my relationship.  I told her that I am bisexual (I didn’t want to explain pansexuality) and that I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend, although I usually go over to their house to be with them.  

I didn’t think she would have a problem with me but I wanted to know for sure before she signed the lease.  She responded in a really sweet way:

Well, the good book says to love your neighbor and I figure I’ve got enough stuff of my own to worry about, that I don’t need to worry about anyone else’s.

I just wanted to give her a hug.

It’s awkward to come out like that to someone who’s practically a stranger but it can be much more awkward coming out to someone you already respect and are close to.  I laughed to myself that night about how silly it seems to be able to come out with relative ease to someone I barely know and yet still be petrified about coming out to my father. 

I am working with my therapist on how to tell my dad and brother. I know that I am probably making this out to be much more than it really is.  Unfortunately, we are not taught how to have awkward, honest conversations in school, although I think what would make America great would be for all of us to learn how to engage in thoughtful, authentic dialogue.  Now, more than ever, do we need to talk with each other in caring, attentive ways.

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We wouldn’t have to “come out” if it wasn’t assumed that we’re straight to begin with.  – Anonymous

How do you come out as having a girlfriend if you don’t want to make a big deal about it?  

Answer: I don’t know.

I recently went on a wonderful summer beach vacation with my extended family – all seventeen of us!  

Obviously, I can’t come out about being in a poly relationship if my dad doesn’t know but I thought I could come out about having a girlfriend.  Now, all of my immediate family and a few others know that I am bisexual but not all of my extended family knows.  I thought and thought about how I would let them know without causing a movie scene.  It seems that one sees the big dramatic announcements when people are not sure if they will be accepted – fortunately for me, I know I will be and already am accepted by my family.  Sooo, I do not feel the need to make a big announcement with some dramatic pause.

I thought I had a stellar plan – I would just talk about us some times and slip in the words, “my girlfriend, _____.”

EXCEPT there is a generational thing I had not thought about – older women refer to their girls who are friends as “girlfriends” much more often than younger women do and so THEY DID NOT CATCH ON!!!   It was so frustrating.  At times, I felt like screaming, “Do you want me to cause a scene?!”

I finally spelled it out for one of my aunts.

It is hard living in such a heteronormative world and I think I finally know where the stereotypical gay drama comes from – we have to be or else we’re invisible.

I don’t have any answers.  I tend to hide from big drama and so I don’t want to do the stereotypical thing.  It seems like it would be very awkward.  But I guess a little awkwardness sometimes is what’s needed.  Maybe next time, instead of saying, “my girlfriend,” I’ll say, “my lover.”  Surely there can’t be any second guesses then, right?

 

People are not possessions.

Polyamory just means more people to love.   (Me)

There is nothing more awkward to me than fighting between the people I love.  I am a people pleaser by nature, which can sometimes get me in trouble.  I struggle with standing up for myself, setting boundaries and being assertive, although I am getting better.  Two stereotypes I encounter often are that life within a triad is somehow magically free of jealousy or that our times together are nothing but wild orgies.  Neither are true.  What IS true is that we have made a committment to always stay with each other, even when times are tough and to be willing to talk things out.  We are compassionate with ourselves and each other.  We are willing to acknowledge jealousy and yet not let it be the end.  I really don’t understand why people say so often to me that they could not do what we’re doing because they would be too possessive or jealous and I feel like protesting, “but people aren’t possessions!”  I really do not see the morality in jealousy.  Jealousy is used as an acceptable reason for why someone should not be polyamorous, but to me, it is a weakness to work on.  To me, a far more acceptable answer is just to say that one is not interested.  That’s okay to me.  People are allowed to have different interests in different lifestyles – I guess I just don’t see polyamory as being so wild as I see it being so loving.  

Another awkward thing is meeting a significant other’s family!  On the Fourth of July I had a great time with my people.  One of the things we did was go to see my boyfriend’s family.  Now he and my girlfriend are getting married, and as some of his family is very conservative, I had to be introduced as the close friend.  It was weird – I felt like an awkward teenager all over again.  The family was very warm and accepting.  They asked no questions, which surprised me!  I ended up having a pretty good time but I couldn’t help but wonder what they were thinking some times or whether I would be out one day in the future.  I try not to dwell in those personal questions too long though, as there is no answer yet and it is really not any of my business to know the future or what other people are thinking about me.

As the two of them talk about marriage and I am faced more and more with stereotypes and the supposed conflicts of religion, I want to offer First Corinthians 13:4-7 from the Bible.  This is the Bible verse probably used the most at weddings and I just do not see how it does not also apply to relationships with more than two people:

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Now some say that this verse really applies to our relationship with Christ and not towards romance, but if we are called to be like Christ towards one another, then I don’t see the difference.  All relationships should be based in love, no matter what kind of relationship it is and there is no limit to the amount of love that one is supplied, except by our own human biases.

Treat everyone with lovingkindness.  Seek for greater understanding.  Continue to draw respectful boundaries where need be.  

Blessed be and Goddess bless.

 

We must not heed those who advise us to think as human beings since we are human and to think mortal things since we are mortal, but we must be like immortals insofar as possible and do everything toward living in accordance with the best thing in us.  (62, Mark Vernon, Plato’s Podcasts)

 

I am in the most awkward of awkward sexual situations, which is why I started this blog.  You know how LGBT activists will sometimes point out that straight people do not have to keep their romantic relationships hidden out of fear of rejection or worse in order to gain more understanding? I do, because I do!  

Funnily enough, I have recently discovered that sometimes even a heterosexual relationship has to remain hidden.  Mine is.

“My Dad met my girlfriend first.  Now I have to hide my boyfriend.  It’s surreal to be hiding my straight relationship. #PolyProblems” 

When I think about it, I laugh.

Let me explain it a little more thoroughly.  I am in the best relationship I have ever been in but polyamory is still pretty new to me.  I am in a triad, which is where there are three people who are in a committed relationship together.  To me, the saying is true that being poly just means that there are more people to love.

 We’re really a very normal couple.  Well, okay, our sex life is a bit different but in most ways we are like every other couple.  We eat dinner together and watch TV.  We meet for coffee.  We support and love each other.  If there is anything exceptional about us, it is how well we communicate.  Of course, we are not perfect and misunderstandings do happen but we are also able to address the issue and resolve it usually fairly quickly.  This makes me so happy – I don’t think a poly relationship could survive without decent communication skills.

 Here is where my situation gets really weird – the poly relationship I’m in involves two females and a guy.  My dad is cool with my sexuality and doesn’t know about my lifestyle yet.  He was at a farmer’s market and my girlfriend happened to be there and so without thinking about the possible ramifications, I introduced her to him as my girlfriend.  He was so nice and accepting about it but I then was left with a dilemma – come out as poly, so I can also introduce him as my boyfriend or keep the straight part of my relationship in the closet for a while.  Of course, I have decided to take the cowardly road.

But not for long.  We talked about it and neither one of us likes feeling fake, so we are both going to start coming out of the poly closet soon.  It’s also about showing the other respect.  To be out about one aspect of a relationship but not the other unintentionally makes that person feel less important and like a less valid part of the relationship.  In order for us to feel as comfortable as we would like in this world, we need to be out among our families.

Having a heterosexual relationship be in the closet is sexually awkward.  Having a relationship that appears to be homosexual but really is not is also incredibly awkward sexually and socially.  And so that is the purpose of this blog – to support those who feel weird about their sexual lifestyle and to make light of some incredibly awkward situations.  Besides talking about my current relationship, I am also going to tell some hilariously sexually awkward stories from my past.  I really do believe that sex and sexuality is awkward much more often than the picture that Hollywood tries to paint.

 

 I cannot wait to share my awkward stories and insights with you!

 Families are great,
But they can be very lonely
When everyone else is married
And is raising kids;
When they are all dog people.

 I am not a dog person-
I love my cat.
I love other women.
I am not married
And I don’t want kids.

I had an abortion two years ago,
But, “Hush!” let’s not talk about that.
I have a part-time job
And I live with my parents.
I am trying to obtain disability.

 I have to watch my conversations
And not be too radical,
Or too jaded
Or too feminist.
I see their secret smiles
And their hidden laughter.

 Still, I love my family.
We have fun and eat good food,
But it would be nice
To have one kindred familial friend-
To not wonder if my cousins
Are not secretly hoping that
Their children don’t end up like me. 

Families are great,
But they’re also depressing.
Do they see my secret tears?
I am crumbling inside. 

I love my family,
But it is always
So much better
To be back home.

*************************************

I wrote this slightly melodramatic poem during Easter on my way home after visiting some relatives.  I really, really love my family, but I was struggling with some depression at the time and I always struggle with feeling at least a little bit like an outsider when I’m around them, as I am single, queer and not athletic in any way.  I also struggle, because I sometimes feel like I have to censor myself and I’m really not the best at making small talk.  As for the part referencing my abortion-it’s not that I talk or even think about it that much anymore, but I started thinking about it more when I knew I couldn’t talk about it at all.  Funny how that works…  I usually write poetry when I’m depressed, angry, stressed or a combination of all three.  I find poetry helps me purge out my disturbing emotions better than almost anything else.  It’s a handy coping tool too, because while there are often times when one can’t talk about what’s going on internally, one can always write about it.  I try to make sure that I always have a pen and some paper in my purse for that very reason.  I hope you can relate to the poem-I think just about everybody struggles with comparisons and feeling out of place sometimes when visiting family.