Archives for posts with tag: marriage

Patience is a virtue but she’s also a bitch.  ~ Anonymous

Last time I wrote, I had just broken up.  It was hard at first but after I returned the key to their place, I experienced great closure.  I still think about them from time to time, of course.  Sometimes I see happy memories on Facebook and it reminds me that they really did seem to love me in the beginning.  It is frustrating to see those posts. “What happened?” “Where did the love go?” I ask.  I miss intimacy and sometimes feel lonely when sad.  It makes me glad that I live with two caring roommates.  It feels unreal that a two and a half year relationship is now over and that at one point I wanted to marry them.  Still, life moves on and my stress level has been so much lower since the break-up.

In fact, I am dating again!  A friend convinced me to try internet dating again, since I didn’t seem mired in misery.  She found her husband on OKCupid and her two biggest pieces of advice were to make a profile that is very specific about what you bring to the table and what you are looking for, as this will weed out all those who don’t fit, and to look more for people with shared values, instead of just shared interests.  So I spent a long time writing a profile that was more honest and direct than ever before.  It was scary and made me feel very vulnerable but I am glad I did it. After my last relationship, I now know what I am looking for and so am on the hunt.

I realized that while I do identify as polyamorous, that I want to focus on building a solid relationship with one person first before possibly adding another. Here is what I wrote:

I am ready for a serious relationship and am looking for something long-term. I am polyamorous and pansexual, however I am not looking to be anyone’s unicorn. (been there, done that). I want someone that I can eventually live with and perhaps marry one day. While I would prefer someone who identifies as poly, I really don’t want to come into an already established relationship. What I like about polyamory is the idea that love is not diminished by loving other people, so I want us to be free to explore being with other people while still being committed to one another.

Being so honest, I think, has deterred a lot of people and not many people have been visiting my profile.  But that is not necessarily bad – I do not need to be popular, as long as I find the right person.  I have been messaging with one person almost every day for about a month now and we have been on one date, with another scheduled for this Friday.  I really like this person so far; it’s sort of unbelievable.

Overall, I am very happy and excited about new possibilities, although my new goal is not get too caught up in marriage fever.  After being the maid of honor in one wedding and being asked to be the officiant at my brother’s wedding in October, I almost feel like I am in competition to get married soon myself.  I am aware that constantly having marriage on my mind could lead to unintentionally sabotaging any new relationship and so am trying to take things slow, which is always so hard.  Patience is a virtue brought by a bitch.  Slowing down while not taking time for granted is a constant battle.  A new medication change is helping me with this as it makes me feel a little dopey and foggy – I don’t like it and am hoping the side effect will eventually fade but I guess it might have some benefits right now…  Le sigh.

My insightful friend also shared some book recommendations about making relationships last.

I figure while I wait for medications to work and relationships to form, I can, at least, read, although first I have to finish reading Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde, a life changing book.  (Read this book now!  I mean it! If you are a feminist, then this should be required reading.)

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In my next post, I will share some funny realizations from my recent first date.  Stay tuned…

 

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They do not love that do not show their love.  ~ Shakespeare 

Some people think that polyamory is just another word for sex addiction but no one would go through being  the maid of honor of the couple they are dating just for sex.  I participated in the wedding a few weeks ago and the whole experience was extremely awkward and difficult.  One thing that did help in the weeks leading up to it was meeting other people that have also been part of their triad’s wedding.  After talking with them, I do know that there are some relationships that can withstand and even become stronger after being part of a wedding, but our relationship did not.  I ended up breaking up with them after the wedding because I came to realize I was being used and not really loved.  

I want to give some tips to people in poly weddings-please take my advice and treat each other right. (These tips are directed towards triads, like ours was, but they can apply to other types too.)

1.Text/Call your third during your honeymoon.  Yes, I know this is your special time, but be considerate of what your third is going through.  No matter how much they love you and are understanding, they are also struggling with insecurity.  Let them know how much you still love and care for them and show concern for their wellbeing.  BTW, this should be common sense.  

2.Have a wedding party table, not a sweetheart table.  It is more fun to have the whole bridal party together than to separate the wedding couple to a table by themselves.  It is more considerate also.  The third should not be left alone at her own table; she may not know many people and being separated from her partners will cause undo loneliness and awkwardness.  For those already struggling with the hierarchical system, a sweetheart table can be painful and isolating.

3.Give your third a wedding gift, especially if they are part of the bridal party. It is common courtesy to give each member of the bridal party a gift for giving up their time and money to be in the wedding.  Even if your third is not a part of the bridal party, still give them something.  This is a potentially isolating time and a thoughtful gift of appreciation will help the other feel valued.

4.Plan a special event for the three of you together for after the honeymoon-you just celebrated the wonderfulness of two people, now celebrate the wonderfulness of three!

5.Above all, communicate and hold true to whatever the three of you discuss.  The keys to a good polyamorous relationship are honest, direct, open communication, tempered with kindness, compassion, and respect.  Check in with each other periodically throughout the whole wedding process to see how everyone is really doing and how to meet the needs of all, as much as possible.  Validate, empathize, and support each other-getting through a wedding is probably the ultimate testing grounds for a poly relationship and if there is not good communication and everyone does not feel valued, heard, honored, respected, and loved throughout the process, then it will fail. No relationship is perfect, but without considerate communication, the third will just end up feeling used, partners may grow distant, and jealousy, hurt, and resentment will win.

Fortunately, I can say that I am doing well.  I was hurt for a while but the moment I left the key to their house inside and walked away, I experienced closure and immense relief.  The relationship started out wonderfully but our dynamic changed a long time ago and unfortunately, it was unsalvageable.  I am still glad that I came out to my dad because I did not have to hide the break-up.  Being able to talk about my polyamorous relationship like normal with my family was incredibly validating and wonderful.  I feel so blessed to have a family, especially in the Deep South, that is accepting of my sexual orientation and lifestyle choices.  My family has shown me what true love and support are and I finally realized that I need my romantic partners to show me the same kind of validation.  I am actually excited to see what the future brings and I am enjoying having a little more free time. I do not regret my first polyamorous relationship-I learned a lot and had many wonderful moments.  I learned that I do want to be in a committed relationship and that I need to put more care in selecting compatible people: when I walked into their house the first time, I knew they were too messy for me to live with, but I didn’t stop dating them because I thought that was petty.  Now I know that I need to listen to my gut, stay true to my goals, and honor my needs.  Still, I am endlessly  grateful for what I once had and I cannot wait to see what happens next.  I will continue to write here about my awkward sexual adventures!