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slut: a woman with the morals of a man. ~ anonymous

Control your whoremones, slut!  ~ anonymous

My first date was fantastic!

We met at a coffeeshop and talked for a few hours, then moved to a restaurant and talked for a few more.  I then attended my date’s improv show and cheered him on – I had forgotten how fun improv is!

My first date was also weird, because I did not feel much romantic chemistry between the both of us.  I really enjoyed spending time with him, but on the way home, I felt so confused.  I started to go over in my head the details of my previous relationships going back to seven years ago and then I had an epiphany….

I’m not a slut anymore!

In shock, I realized that my pattern is to have sex first and then decide to pursue a relationship afterwards. (I reclaimed the word, slut, ever since I played Janet in a local cast of Rocky Horror Picture Show, about a decade ago.)  I laughed to myself and thought, “well, maybe this will be my first adult relationship. This must be what other people experience on a first date!”

Except, it wasn’t.  Maybe it is not wise to end the first date in bed but I do think that there should be some kind of romantic connection.  And there wasn’t.

The second date ended painfully awkwardly.  I had some questions answered that let me know that this person is not long term romantic relationship material.

Honestly, I feel a bit burned.

I also feel confused.

I feel like what I want is just not out there.

I want someone who does not believe love is possessing another and yet likes to play with power exchange.  I want someone who is untraditional in bed and yet will still want to go to church with me on Sunday nights.  I want someone who wants to have long, stimulating, intellectual discussions on politics, pop culture, and philosophy and yet will also be comfortable in silence.  I want someone who is both spiritual but yet still periodically questions the existence of God.

I want a partner, preferably one who identifies with feminine energy.

I want someone to cuddle with while we watch TV.

Sometimes I want intimacy so badly my arms and soul ache.

The phrase that I keep coming back to in my mind is that I just want someone who will make life easier.  Not easier as in a sugardaddy or a parent, but easier in having someone who makes life more bearable when it is too hard, who gives me love, support, encouragement, new ideas, and laughter.  Someone who will remind me not to take life so seriously.  I would hopefully do the same for them.

But where to find this person?

I have no idea!

I plan to attend more munches next month but they tend to not attract the churchgoing crowd.  I plan to attend church more often but it tends to not attract the poly crowd.  (That’s not really the reason why someone should attend church more, anyway…)

After second thought, I really do not think there is anything really wrong with having sex on the first date.  It may not be the norm and may not be a practice that would be wise to purposefully set out to accomplish, but if it happens, it happens.  What my last few dates made me realize is that the sexual connection is very important to me.  I do not think that being a well adjusted adult means that I have to start following expected dating protocol.  Reading Audre Lorde’s classic work, Sister Outsider, has made me realize that being a responsible adult actually means listening to and following my own voice.  I do not need to follow society’s dictations, but rather, to the “yes” that is inside.  This is a hard thing to do but it offers the ultimate liberation.

Beyond the superficial, the considered phrase, ‘It feels right to me,’ acknowledges the strength of the erotic into a true knowledge, for what that means is the first and most powerful guiding light toward any understanding. (56)

I got on the internet dating scene because I felt the need to control and speed up the dating process but I feel inside that my best practice will simply be to do what I love and be open to the possibilities that are around me – that is what has worked well for me in the past.  It is hard to give up control but I know the universe has much better directions for me.

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(bus outside Sycamore Canyon in Arizona)

 

 

Patience is a virtue but she’s also a bitch.  ~ Anonymous

Last time I wrote, I had just broken up.  It was hard at first but after I returned the key to their place, I experienced great closure.  I still think about them from time to time, of course.  Sometimes I see happy memories on Facebook and it reminds me that they really did seem to love me in the beginning.  It is frustrating to see those posts. “What happened?” “Where did the love go?” I ask.  I miss intimacy and sometimes feel lonely when sad.  It makes me glad that I live with two caring roommates.  It feels unreal that a two and a half year relationship is now over and that at one point I wanted to marry them.  Still, life moves on and my stress level has been so much lower since the break-up.

In fact, I am dating again!  A friend convinced me to try internet dating again, since I didn’t seem mired in misery.  She found her husband on OKCupid and her two biggest pieces of advice were to make a profile that is very specific about what you bring to the table and what you are looking for, as this will weed out all those who don’t fit, and to look more for people with shared values, instead of just shared interests.  So I spent a long time writing a profile that was more honest and direct than ever before.  It was scary and made me feel very vulnerable but I am glad I did it. After my last relationship, I now know what I am looking for and so am on the hunt.

I realized that while I do identify as polyamorous, that I want to focus on building a solid relationship with one person first before possibly adding another. Here is what I wrote:

I am ready for a serious relationship and am looking for something long-term. I am polyamorous and pansexual, however I am not looking to be anyone’s unicorn. (been there, done that). I want someone that I can eventually live with and perhaps marry one day. While I would prefer someone who identifies as poly, I really don’t want to come into an already established relationship. What I like about polyamory is the idea that love is not diminished by loving other people, so I want us to be free to explore being with other people while still being committed to one another.

Being so honest, I think, has deterred a lot of people and not many people have been visiting my profile.  But that is not necessarily bad – I do not need to be popular, as long as I find the right person.  I have been messaging with one person almost every day for about a month now and we have been on one date, with another scheduled for this Friday.  I really like this person so far; it’s sort of unbelievable.

Overall, I am very happy and excited about new possibilities, although my new goal is not get too caught up in marriage fever.  After being the maid of honor in one wedding and being asked to be the officiant at my brother’s wedding in October, I almost feel like I am in competition to get married soon myself.  I am aware that constantly having marriage on my mind could lead to unintentionally sabotaging any new relationship and so am trying to take things slow, which is always so hard.  Patience is a virtue brought by a bitch.  Slowing down while not taking time for granted is a constant battle.  A new medication change is helping me with this as it makes me feel a little dopey and foggy – I don’t like it and am hoping the side effect will eventually fade but I guess it might have some benefits right now…  Le sigh.

My insightful friend also shared some book recommendations about making relationships last.

I figure while I wait for medications to work and relationships to form, I can, at least, read, although first I have to finish reading Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde, a life changing book.  (Read this book now!  I mean it! If you are a feminist, then this should be required reading.)

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In my next post, I will share some funny realizations from my recent first date.  Stay tuned…