Archives for posts with tag: pansexuality

Patience is a virtue but she’s also a bitch.  ~ Anonymous

Last time I wrote, I had just broken up.  It was hard at first but after I returned the key to their place, I experienced great closure.  I still think about them from time to time, of course.  Sometimes I see happy memories on Facebook and it reminds me that they really did seem to love me in the beginning.  It is frustrating to see those posts. “What happened?” “Where did the love go?” I ask.  I miss intimacy and sometimes feel lonely when sad.  It makes me glad that I live with two caring roommates.  It feels unreal that a two and a half year relationship is now over and that at one point I wanted to marry them.  Still, life moves on and my stress level has been so much lower since the break-up.

In fact, I am dating again!  A friend convinced me to try internet dating again, since I didn’t seem mired in misery.  She found her husband on OKCupid and her two biggest pieces of advice were to make a profile that is very specific about what you bring to the table and what you are looking for, as this will weed out all those who don’t fit, and to look more for people with shared values, instead of just shared interests.  So I spent a long time writing a profile that was more honest and direct than ever before.  It was scary and made me feel very vulnerable but I am glad I did it. After my last relationship, I now know what I am looking for and so am on the hunt.

I realized that while I do identify as polyamorous, that I want to focus on building a solid relationship with one person first before possibly adding another. Here is what I wrote:

I am ready for a serious relationship and am looking for something long-term. I am polyamorous and pansexual, however I am not looking to be anyone’s unicorn. (been there, done that). I want someone that I can eventually live with and perhaps marry one day. While I would prefer someone who identifies as poly, I really don’t want to come into an already established relationship. What I like about polyamory is the idea that love is not diminished by loving other people, so I want us to be free to explore being with other people while still being committed to one another.

Being so honest, I think, has deterred a lot of people and not many people have been visiting my profile.  But that is not necessarily bad – I do not need to be popular, as long as I find the right person.  I have been messaging with one person almost every day for about a month now and we have been on one date, with another scheduled for this Friday.  I really like this person so far; it’s sort of unbelievable.

Overall, I am very happy and excited about new possibilities, although my new goal is not get too caught up in marriage fever.  After being the maid of honor in one wedding and being asked to be the officiant at my brother’s wedding in October, I almost feel like I am in competition to get married soon myself.  I am aware that constantly having marriage on my mind could lead to unintentionally sabotaging any new relationship and so am trying to take things slow, which is always so hard.  Patience is a virtue brought by a bitch.  Slowing down while not taking time for granted is a constant battle.  A new medication change is helping me with this as it makes me feel a little dopey and foggy – I don’t like it and am hoping the side effect will eventually fade but I guess it might have some benefits right now…  Le sigh.

My insightful friend also shared some book recommendations about making relationships last.

I figure while I wait for medications to work and relationships to form, I can, at least, read, although first I have to finish reading Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde, a life changing book.  (Read this book now!  I mean it! If you are a feminist, then this should be required reading.)

Screen Shot 2017-07-12 at 12.36.18 PM

In my next post, I will share some funny realizations from my recent first date.  Stay tuned…

 

Being in the closet sucks for the person who has to hide out of fear of rejection, but it also sucks for his/her family and friends who miss out on the precious gift of loving someone who feels safe, completely whole, and free to be who they are.  ~ Anonymous

One of my roommates has moved out.  We are sad to see her go but we must move on.  I made an ad and it was promptly answered.  One of the potential roommates came over to look at the room and we really hit it off.  We had a really pleasant conversation and she seemed like a good fit, so when she asked if there was anything else she should know, I told her about my relationship.  I told her that I am bisexual (I didn’t want to explain pansexuality) and that I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend, although I usually go over to their house to be with them.  

I didn’t think she would have a problem with me but I wanted to know for sure before she signed the lease.  She responded in a really sweet way:

Well, the good book says to love your neighbor and I figure I’ve got enough stuff of my own to worry about, that I don’t need to worry about anyone else’s.

I just wanted to give her a hug.

It’s awkward to come out like that to someone who’s practically a stranger but it can be much more awkward coming out to someone you already respect and are close to.  I laughed to myself that night about how silly it seems to be able to come out with relative ease to someone I barely know and yet still be petrified about coming out to my father. 

I am working with my therapist on how to tell my dad and brother. I know that I am probably making this out to be much more than it really is.  Unfortunately, we are not taught how to have awkward, honest conversations in school, although I think what would make America great would be for all of us to learn how to engage in thoughtful, authentic dialogue.  Now, more than ever, do we need to talk with each other in caring, attentive ways.

The first rule of Bi Club is that you can talk about it all you want, because most people won’t believe it’s real anyway. 

– Lindsay King Miller, Ask a Queer Chick: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life for Girls Who Dig Girls

Amazing how skin and eye color come in many shades yet many think sexuality is just gay or straight.

– DaShanne Stokes

My 35th birthday was May 9th and I had a fun time celebrating it with my parents the day before.  The day of my girlfriend and boyfriend made me a dinner that nearly had me rolling on the ground from foodgasm ecstasy.  A few weeks later, I gathered a good crowd of my friends and we had Sunday brunch at Lips, a drag show restaurant for their Drag Gospel show. It was hilarious and such a good, affirming time with friends. 

(Mother Bubba D.Licious)

Except for one part-they tried to make us invisible.

I’ve been to a couple of drag shows before and I knew that they always ask the audience who’s straight and who’s gay or lesbian.  I figured I would have to identify as bisexual since pansexuality is still not as well known.  Except they never asked!  They asked if there were any lesbians and one women responded saying that she was bisexual.  And then it was over. The drag queens never formally asked the group if there were any bisexuals in the building, which was a deep shame as practically half of my group identified as such.

Our identity was erased and it felt like a betrayal considering we were in a queer space.

I decided then and there that I was not going to be erased on my birthday!  I had not intended to participate in the part where the birthday guest gets on stage – an extra ten dollars – but I immediately marched to the line and I’m glad I did!

I sat in the birthday chair with a piece of cake and a flaming candle in my lap.  I was asked:

Do you have a boyfriend?

I replied:

Yes. I also have a girlfriend!

The crowd laughed and cheered in delight. I smiled broadly.  The drag queens paused.  One of them reached out and snuffed out the candle with her fingers:

Well, honey, you don’t need to blow that out – we know you can use your tongue!

We all laughed and we took a picture of me and two drag queens sticking our tongues out.  Then I stepped down off the stage and kissed first my girlfriend and my boyfriend.

It feels good to be out.  It’s sad that I cannot always be.  This August, I’m going on a vacation with my extended family and I am a little sad as I know I will probably keep a part of my romantic life hidden.  

I want to have pride in my sexuality and my relationships but I am still hesitant to reveal myself to certain people. Pride is not about being militant or arrogant – it’s about having enough self-assurance that I will allow myself the gift of authenticity.  Authenticity brings pride, confidence, and goodness while hiding reinforces feelings of shame.

I want to be true to myself as much as possible and I will not be made invisible in a space that is a celebration of queerness.

The question is, will I let myself be truly celebrated and acknowledged everywhere else?

I honestly don’t know right now.  I know I will eventually…

Call a jack a jack.  Call a spade a spade. But always call a whore a lady.  Their lives are hard enough, and it never hurts to be polite.  (Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of The Wind)

I think it’s funny how some members of the LGBTQ community get so attached to their one label.  People that are so attached to one name must be completely puzzled by me because my label changes from day to day.  I just cannot fit into a sexual box.  I say bisexual to people who only know the four most common terms, even though it does not most accurately define my sexuality.  Because I so prefer being around women, I sometimes refer to myself as lesbian even though I also have a boyfriend.  Some lesbians say that being lesbian is not a feeling but I disagree.  I am so sexually fluid that more than one label fits – I can go from feeling completely enamored with women to completely submissive to my sir.  I believe that both options are valid. 

Different labels that I use to describe myself on a regular basis:

             Bisexual

             Lesbian

             Homoflexible (liking both genders, but preferring those of the same sex)

             Pansexual

             Female Focused

             Queer

 Here is an excerpt from Whisper where I am explaining the sexual orientation of pansexual and another term that I formed for myself:          

BUT my favorite sexual label for myself is UNICORN!!