Archives for posts with tag: relationships

slut: a woman with the morals of a man. ~ anonymous

Control your whoremones, slut!  ~ anonymous

My first date was fantastic!

We met at a coffeeshop and talked for a few hours, then moved to a restaurant and talked for a few more.  I then attended my date’s improv show and cheered him on – I had forgotten how fun improv is!

My first date was also weird, because I did not feel much romantic chemistry between the both of us.  I really enjoyed spending time with him, but on the way home, I felt so confused.  I started to go over in my head the details of my previous relationships going back to seven years ago and then I had an epiphany….

I’m not a slut anymore!

In shock, I realized that my pattern is to have sex first and then decide to pursue a relationship afterwards. (I reclaimed the word, slut, ever since I played Janet in a local cast of Rocky Horror Picture Show, about a decade ago.)  I laughed to myself and thought, “well, maybe this will be my first adult relationship. This must be what other people experience on a first date!”

Except, it wasn’t.  Maybe it is not wise to end the first date in bed but I do think that there should be some kind of romantic connection.  And there wasn’t.

The second date ended painfully awkwardly.  I had some questions answered that let me know that this person is not long term romantic relationship material.

Honestly, I feel a bit burned.

I also feel confused.

I feel like what I want is just not out there.

I want someone who does not believe love is possessing another and yet likes to play with power exchange.  I want someone who is untraditional in bed and yet will still want to go to church with me on Sunday nights.  I want someone who wants to have long, stimulating, intellectual discussions on politics, pop culture, and philosophy and yet will also be comfortable in silence.  I want someone who is both spiritual but yet still periodically questions the existence of God.

I want a partner, preferably one who identifies with feminine energy.

I want someone to cuddle with while we watch TV.

Sometimes I want intimacy so badly my arms and soul ache.

The phrase that I keep coming back to in my mind is that I just want someone who will make life easier.  Not easier as in a sugardaddy or a parent, but easier in having someone who makes life more bearable when it is too hard, who gives me love, support, encouragement, new ideas, and laughter.  Someone who will remind me not to take life so seriously.  I would hopefully do the same for them.

But where to find this person?

I have no idea!

I plan to attend more munches next month but they tend to not attract the churchgoing crowd.  I plan to attend church more often but it tends to not attract the poly crowd.  (That’s not really the reason why someone should attend church more, anyway…)

After second thought, I really do not think there is anything really wrong with having sex on the first date.  It may not be the norm and may not be a practice that would be wise to purposefully set out to accomplish, but if it happens, it happens.  What my last few dates made me realize is that the sexual connection is very important to me.  I do not think that being a well adjusted adult means that I have to start following expected dating protocol.  Reading Audre Lorde’s classic work, Sister Outsider, has made me realize that being a responsible adult actually means listening to and following my own voice.  I do not need to follow society’s dictations, but rather, to the “yes” that is inside.  This is a hard thing to do but it offers the ultimate liberation.

Beyond the superficial, the considered phrase, ‘It feels right to me,’ acknowledges the strength of the erotic into a true knowledge, for what that means is the first and most powerful guiding light toward any understanding. (56)

I got on the internet dating scene because I felt the need to control and speed up the dating process but I feel inside that my best practice will simply be to do what I love and be open to the possibilities that are around me – that is what has worked well for me in the past.  It is hard to give up control but I know the universe has much better directions for me.

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(bus outside Sycamore Canyon in Arizona)

 

 

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Patience is a virtue but she’s also a bitch.  ~ Anonymous

Last time I wrote, I had just broken up.  It was hard at first but after I returned the key to their place, I experienced great closure.  I still think about them from time to time, of course.  Sometimes I see happy memories on Facebook and it reminds me that they really did seem to love me in the beginning.  It is frustrating to see those posts. “What happened?” “Where did the love go?” I ask.  I miss intimacy and sometimes feel lonely when sad.  It makes me glad that I live with two caring roommates.  It feels unreal that a two and a half year relationship is now over and that at one point I wanted to marry them.  Still, life moves on and my stress level has been so much lower since the break-up.

In fact, I am dating again!  A friend convinced me to try internet dating again, since I didn’t seem mired in misery.  She found her husband on OKCupid and her two biggest pieces of advice were to make a profile that is very specific about what you bring to the table and what you are looking for, as this will weed out all those who don’t fit, and to look more for people with shared values, instead of just shared interests.  So I spent a long time writing a profile that was more honest and direct than ever before.  It was scary and made me feel very vulnerable but I am glad I did it. After my last relationship, I now know what I am looking for and so am on the hunt.

I realized that while I do identify as polyamorous, that I want to focus on building a solid relationship with one person first before possibly adding another. Here is what I wrote:

I am ready for a serious relationship and am looking for something long-term. I am polyamorous and pansexual, however I am not looking to be anyone’s unicorn. (been there, done that). I want someone that I can eventually live with and perhaps marry one day. While I would prefer someone who identifies as poly, I really don’t want to come into an already established relationship. What I like about polyamory is the idea that love is not diminished by loving other people, so I want us to be free to explore being with other people while still being committed to one another.

Being so honest, I think, has deterred a lot of people and not many people have been visiting my profile.  But that is not necessarily bad – I do not need to be popular, as long as I find the right person.  I have been messaging with one person almost every day for about a month now and we have been on one date, with another scheduled for this Friday.  I really like this person so far; it’s sort of unbelievable.

Overall, I am very happy and excited about new possibilities, although my new goal is not get too caught up in marriage fever.  After being the maid of honor in one wedding and being asked to be the officiant at my brother’s wedding in October, I almost feel like I am in competition to get married soon myself.  I am aware that constantly having marriage on my mind could lead to unintentionally sabotaging any new relationship and so am trying to take things slow, which is always so hard.  Patience is a virtue brought by a bitch.  Slowing down while not taking time for granted is a constant battle.  A new medication change is helping me with this as it makes me feel a little dopey and foggy – I don’t like it and am hoping the side effect will eventually fade but I guess it might have some benefits right now…  Le sigh.

My insightful friend also shared some book recommendations about making relationships last.

I figure while I wait for medications to work and relationships to form, I can, at least, read, although first I have to finish reading Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde, a life changing book.  (Read this book now!  I mean it! If you are a feminist, then this should be required reading.)

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In my next post, I will share some funny realizations from my recent first date.  Stay tuned…

 

Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.  ~ Margaret Wheatley

I have good news!  As it turned out, I did not need to get out a flogger in order to convince my bad roommate to leave!  She left a few weeks ago and I couldn’t be happier!  No more walking on eggshells!  I can now turn on my vibrator as loud as I want during the day (and I do).  Bliss!

Another wonderful thing that happened is that with the stress of bad roommate off my mind, I could finally think about telling my dad about my poly relationship.  The other two are going to get married in a few months and the longer I wait, the more awkward it’s going to be when my dad finally finds out, so the day that bad roomie moved, I told my dad over breakfast.  

It was not even awkward at all!

You see, I have been practicing telling my father in my mind and with my therapist for months.  While I love being able to share awkward stories with you all, the anxiety of awkwardness really is not a lot of fun.  I practiced telling my dad about my relationship in a lighthearted, non dramatic way and the day when I felt so positive because B.R. (Bad roommate) was leaving, I knew I was ready.  

Here is how it went, in case you ever need to tell someone you care about about your loving, non traditional relationship:

Hey, Dad, you remember that time about this time last year, when I had a panic attack at my girlfriend’s house and you had to pick me up? And you remember how you spoke to a man on the phone but you didn’t know who he was?

*Pause* – yes…

Well, I wasn’t ready to tell you then but I’m ready now – that man is my boyfriend.  I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend.  It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in and the longest one too.  They’re really good people.  

*That’s great.  I trust that you can pick out good people!  I’m really glad you told me.

(Here’s where my brain turned inside out.  WHAT?!  Doesn’t he remember my past relationships?! How about the relationship that started this blog so many years ago, you know, the one that landed me in the mental hospital and prompted an abortion?!  I think he trusts me more than I trust myself!)

And Dad, here’s where the relationship gets even more out of the ordinary – the other two have known each other longer and are getting married in a few months and I’m going to be their maid of honor.  I know most people wouldn’t be able to handle this kind of relationship, but for some reason, I’m fine with it and am very happy.

*As long as it makes you happy, that’s the important thing!

~~~

And that was that!  I am out and accepted by both of my parents now and B.R. Is gone too!  I feel so free!

My mom had been worried that the news would stress my dad out but he accepted it fine.  I think all of our previous awkward sexual conversations have prepared him for today.  By now, he knows that I am sexually and romantically adventurous and he seems to have accepted it.  What blows my mind is for the trust he seems to have in me – that is a gift that I do not take lightly.  If you ever visit my recovery blog, Hope Is Real!, then you know that I have worked hard on myself and I guess that work shows.  It’s a very gratifying feeling! 

I am so lucky to have parents that are open and accepting.  I don’t want children but if I did, I have two wonderful role models on how to parent nonjudgmentally.  It is also a gift to me that my dad and I can converse so healthily now – we used to have a rocky relationship and we even went to family therapy because all we did was fight. Even though I was an adult, I was stuck in the child’s role and my dad was stuck in the lecturer role.  I hope that can give some of you some hope that family dynamics can get better with time if the people care.  However, I am aware that not all family members do care and if you’re in that kind of situation then I hope you can find satisfaction in living the life you want without them.

Practicing a hard conversation ahead of time is a great skill I’ve learned over the years.  So many people want a quick fix to all their problems, but I have found with my anxiety, that my problems usually get better over time with lots of practice.  Practicing can be miserable sometimes but it also can be fun, especially when what you’re practicing involves floggers and rope.  Have fun practicing whatever your relationship needs, whether that be a hard conversation or fabulous sex!

 

“I believe when we’re able to fully own and express ourselves, we are able to tap into a creative power deeply rooted from our sexual energy – our creative energy. It’s our core. We don’t understand the creative power we have because we’re so busy using it in all the wrong ways – or worse, not using it at all.” Lauryn Doll

Who knew that Whisper would turn out to be so delightful?  Right now, I am having several charming conversations at once about how hairy legs really do not dampen anyone’s sexual activity.  A bunch of men started chatting and telling me that yep, I’m right, and in fact, many men seem to not only be okay with female leg hair but find it sexy.  You see, the beauty industry really is just selling us a pack of lies.  (Now, I have no problem with shaving.  It just makes me sad to hear women that don’t want to shave buy the lie that they must in order to keep a boyfriend or have sex.  It just ain’t true.)

I had another wonderful conversation on Whisper a few days ago and it is encapsulated so many very wonderful things about my relationship that I asked the man I was talking to if it would be alright if I shared.  Happily, he said yes.  (Unfortunately, the first half of the conversation was somehow deleted.  To set up: I had just told him that I not only am in a triad but also have a lover on the side. He asked if everyone knew – a valid question.)

 

Let me say it again:

I wish more people were open to being this free.  It’s empowering to be with people who value autonomy, honesty, and good communication.

I really do.  The world would be a much better place.