Archives for posts with tag: sex

Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.  ~ Margaret Wheatley

I have good news!  As it turned out, I did not need to get out a flogger in order to convince my bad roommate to leave!  She left a few weeks ago and I couldn’t be happier!  No more walking on eggshells!  I can now turn on my vibrator as loud as I want during the day (and I do).  Bliss!

Another wonderful thing that happened is that with the stress of bad roommate off my mind, I could finally think about telling my dad about my poly relationship.  The other two are going to get married in a few months and the longer I wait, the more awkward it’s going to be when my dad finally finds out, so the day that bad roomie moved, I told my dad over breakfast.  

It was not even awkward at all!

You see, I have been practicing telling my father in my mind and with my therapist for months.  While I love being able to share awkward stories with you all, the anxiety of awkwardness really is not a lot of fun.  I practiced telling my dad about my relationship in a lighthearted, non dramatic way and the day when I felt so positive because B.R. (Bad roommate) was leaving, I knew I was ready.  

Here is how it went, in case you ever need to tell someone you care about about your loving, non traditional relationship:

Hey, Dad, you remember that time about this time last year, when I had a panic attack at my girlfriend’s house and you had to pick me up? And you remember how you spoke to a man on the phone but you didn’t know who he was?

*Pause* – yes…

Well, I wasn’t ready to tell you then but I’m ready now – that man is my boyfriend.  I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend.  It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in and the longest one too.  They’re really good people.  

*That’s great.  I trust that you can pick out good people!  I’m really glad you told me.

(Here’s where my brain turned inside out.  WHAT?!  Doesn’t he remember my past relationships?! How about the relationship that started this blog so many years ago, you know, the one that landed me in the mental hospital and prompted an abortion?!  I think he trusts me more than I trust myself!)

And Dad, here’s where the relationship gets even more out of the ordinary – the other two have known each other longer and are getting married in a few months and I’m going to be their maid of honor.  I know most people wouldn’t be able to handle this kind of relationship, but for some reason, I’m fine with it and am very happy.

*As long as it makes you happy, that’s the important thing!

~~~

And that was that!  I am out and accepted by both of my parents now and B.R. Is gone too!  I feel so free!

My mom had been worried that the news would stress my dad out but he accepted it fine.  I think all of our previous awkward sexual conversations have prepared him for today.  By now, he knows that I am sexually and romantically adventurous and he seems to have accepted it.  What blows my mind is for the trust he seems to have in me – that is a gift that I do not take lightly.  If you ever visit my recovery blog, Hope Is Real!, then you know that I have worked hard on myself and I guess that work shows.  It’s a very gratifying feeling! 

I am so lucky to have parents that are open and accepting.  I don’t want children but if I did, I have two wonderful role models on how to parent nonjudgmentally.  It is also a gift to me that my dad and I can converse so healthily now – we used to have a rocky relationship and we even went to family therapy because all we did was fight. Even though I was an adult, I was stuck in the child’s role and my dad was stuck in the lecturer role.  I hope that can give some of you some hope that family dynamics can get better with time if the people care.  However, I am aware that not all family members do care and if you’re in that kind of situation then I hope you can find satisfaction in living the life you want without them.

Practicing a hard conversation ahead of time is a great skill I’ve learned over the years.  So many people want a quick fix to all their problems, but I have found with my anxiety, that my problems usually get better over time with lots of practice.  Practicing can be miserable sometimes but it also can be fun, especially when what you’re practicing involves floggers and rope.  Have fun practicing whatever your relationship needs, whether that be a hard conversation or fabulous sex!

 

I’ve already posted two of my new year’s resolutions on my other blog, Hope Is Real!, but I’ve got more.  As this is a sexual blog, I will post my sexual new year’s resolution here.  (I actually thought up my sexual resolution before my other ones.  I work with a young woman with a developmental disability and when she asked me if I had any new year’s resolutions, the thought, “Not have sex with any assholes!” immediately came to my mind.  Fortunately, I didn’t say what I was thinking!)  Which brings me to my new year’s resolution:

Not to have sex with an asshole if I can help it!

Let me explain.  Last year was a big chapter in my sexual exploration.  I’m sort of a late bloomer sexually and so at 31, I finally started generating a lot of sexual attention on a dating website.  I was flattered that guys were into me and so I met a few and had sex.  Fun stuff!  Except that sometimes the guy would say or do something beforehand that was particularly asshole-ish and I would feel compelled to have sex with him anyway.  The worst one was a guy who said that he thought every person that has mental illness should be sterilized.  I was appalled and yet I had sex with him anyway.  I’m not proud of that fact.  I soon realized that while casual sex has some benefits – orgasms! stress relief! – there are some drawbacks too.  Not being choosy enough meant that I felt like a hypocrite and my self esteem went down.  I still regret having sex with that man.  BUT I have already learned from that mistake and when a guy that I was sort of dating months later said some asshole-y things-once again, they were about mental illness!-I told him that what he was saying was unacceptable and that we could not see each other anymore.  Yes, this meant that I missed some potential sexy fun times, but much more importantly, I kept my self respect and I felt good about myself.  Last year, I learned that it is much better to feel good about yourself than have sex or please a man.  I am resolved to keep following the path of self respect during this year.

It’s been over a year since my last post, so you might have thought that I had forgotten all about this blog, but you would be wrong.  I spent last year working on my recovery.  I had another inpatient stay at Ridgeview, but then I took a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) class with my therapist for five months and that helped me immensely.  I am doing so much better now!

I decided to come back to this blog, because I still have a lot to say.  I have another blog, called Hope Is Real!, which is my main blog.  I am trying to post there every day this year and I am going to try for once a week with this blog.  I talk about a lot of things on Hope Is Real, but since  a lot of my personal friends and family follow the blog I feel uncomfortable talking about sexual matters on it, especially about ones that may be controversial like abortion, kink, or masturbation.  So I’m back here….