In Which I Am Brutally Honest

I find I am constantly being encouraged to pluck out some aspect of myself and present this as the meaningful whole, eclipsing or denying the other parts of self.

Sometimes we are blessed with being able to choose the time, and the arena, of our revolution, but more usually we must do battle with where we are standing.

Your silence will not protect you.   ~ Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches

A lot has happened since my last post.  A few dramatic events happened that triggered flashbacks of earlier trauma. My sleep schedule got messed up, which sent me into insomnia and constant panic attacks. Eventually this sent me into the hospital for a good week and a half.  This hospital, itself, was a mixed bag – there were really, really good parts and really, really bad parts and not much in between.  I am taking FMLA, which gives me up to twelve weeks off work.  Some days I am great and some days, I am sad and angry.  I am processing the trauma of hospitalizations and the trauma of an attempted rape in the first week of college and the fact that the first time that I had sex was actually rape too.  I am dealing with the fact that I have almost never been attracted to any man that I’ve dated.  It’s confusing because I have had sexual pleasure with men, but a naked man is not what I consider good looking.  I am wondering if I am really more lesbian than I previously thought.  I have so much to process and sometimes I wonder if I will ever be okay.  I know I project an image of me being incredibly centered and it’s not that I’m lying, just that it is not my truth all the time.  I want people to see the real me – the me that is sometimes on top of the world and really has her shit together and the me that is so hurt and angry and sad.

Where the sexual awkwardness comes in is that I have oddly gotten a lot of matches on Tinder and OKCupid lately.  This is really weird, because my profiles are incredibly specific.  I did that on purpose to weed people out, but it seemed to sort of backfire, because hardly anyone fit what I was looking for.  It’s the same for me on Tinder – I’m probably the only person who has ever put a quote from the absurdist play, Waiting for Godot, as one of their profile pictures on that app.  I want people to know what they’re getting into, which is morbid weirdness.  *laughs*. Currently, who I am really in love with is someone very close to me but I am so scared to tell her because I am afraid that she will not feel the same and then I will have created a super awkward dynamic, which I obviously do not want.

When I started to get the messages from admirers on the dating sites, I responded with gusto, since it so rarely happens.  I might meet one of them before church this Sunday – I put it out there that I would love my partner to go to church with me, but I didn’t think anyone would bite, since most lesbians/genderqueer people on OkCupid are not religious, but this person wrote me and said that she would love to go to church with me and that feels pretty special.  As soon as we made plans to meet beforehand, I immediately felt like I had made a big mistake – just last week in church, I cried and got overwhelmed very easily.   I will probably react the same way in church for a while – who am I to think that anyone would want to date someone who is so fragile?

I feel so confused – I don’t want to shut the door on the person I like when it has not even been opened yet.  (Sorry for the vagueness of this person but I would hate to talk about her so bluntly on the internet before revealing all in person.) I also don’t want to ignore a person that actually wrote that she was a “fangirl” of my post and that she “LOVED” what I wrote.  That feels special too.  I would like to take her to church with me this Sunday – it feels like a step in the right direction.  I definitely know that I do not want to be around or date men for a very, very long time.  When I wrote my profile on OkCupid, I said that I was ready for something serious and now I know that I am not.  I mean, I will be eventually, but definitely not right now.  The only thing I can think of is to be honest on this future date – to tell her that I was recently hospitalized and am processing trauma and so need to go much slower than I originally thought. If she responds graciously, then she might be a keeper.  If not, then I really don’t need her in my life right now at all anyway.  It’s scary to think of being so honest with people, but like Audre Lorde says in her important work, Sister Outsider, speaking my truth is essential for my survival right now.  I am too full of emotions for my mask to fit on top and so I have chosen authenticity.  Sometimes my nightly gratitude posts on Facebook are followed with prayer requests or with descriptions of how I am struggling.  I guess that might not seem to fit with exclamations of gratitude, but I think it does.  I am grateful that I have given myself permission to be my whole self.  Gratitude isn’t always super happy feelings – sometimes it is speaking one’s truth, resting in the knowledge that there are people, or at least a higher power, that cares.

Speaking my truth empowers me, even if it also makes me vulnerable.  In recovery circles, there is the phrase that, “our secrets make us sick,” and it’s true.  I want to be well; I want to be authentic; I want to embrace life being as open as possible because I truly believe that that is the way that my higher power calls me to be.  If we are really all are made in the image of goodness, then it is wrong to cover up that goodness with an image specially designed to appease our immoral, capitalistic society.  Our goodness does not always look good, because the truth is not always pretty.  Showing our goodness does not necessarily mean looking like a “beautiful” model but more like someone who is willing to be genuine and supportive towards herself and others.  I must move towards what gives me hope, since so few things in this world right now seem to be in that direction. My other blog is called Hope Is Real! and I thought this would be a totally separate, humorous blog but I have found that I cannot separate sexuality from recovery,        humor from reality.  I am a multi-faceted person and it is too traumatic trying to hide all the parts of myself from another, so I am presenting them all to the public.  Publicity is how we counter shame and stigma and I am more tired of hiding and perpetuating fake beauty than I am in being my true self.

(Yes, indeed, this is one of my profile pictures on Tinder. *laughs and groans*)

Confusion In Slut-Land

slut: a woman with the morals of a man. ~ anonymous

Control your whoremones, slut!  ~ anonymous

My first date was fantastic!

We met at a coffeeshop and talked for a few hours, then moved to a restaurant and talked for a few more.  I then attended my date’s improv show and cheered him on – I had forgotten how fun improv is!

My first date was also weird, because I did not feel much romantic chemistry between the both of us.  I really enjoyed spending time with him, but on the way home, I felt so confused.  I started to go over in my head the details of my previous relationships going back to seven years ago and then I had an epiphany….

I’m not a slut anymore!

In shock, I realized that my pattern is to have sex first and then decide to pursue a relationship afterwards. (I reclaimed the word, slut, ever since I played Janet in a local cast of Rocky Horror Picture Show, about a decade ago.)  I laughed to myself and thought, “well, maybe this will be my first adult relationship. This must be what other people experience on a first date!”

Except, it wasn’t.  Maybe it is not wise to end the first date in bed but I do think that there should be some kind of romantic connection.  And there wasn’t.

The second date ended painfully awkwardly.  I had some questions answered that let me know that this person is not long term romantic relationship material.

Honestly, I feel a bit burned.

I also feel confused.

I feel like what I want is just not out there.

I want someone who does not believe love is possessing another and yet likes to play with power exchange.  I want someone who is untraditional in bed and yet will still want to go to church with me on Sunday nights.  I want someone who wants to have long, stimulating, intellectual discussions on politics, pop culture, and philosophy and yet will also be comfortable in silence.  I want someone who is both spiritual but yet still periodically questions the existence of God.

I want a partner, preferably one who identifies with feminine energy.

I want someone to cuddle with while we watch TV.

Sometimes I want intimacy so badly my arms and soul ache.

The phrase that I keep coming back to in my mind is that I just want someone who will make life easier.  Not easier as in a sugardaddy or a parent, but easier in having someone who makes life more bearable when it is too hard, who gives me love, support, encouragement, new ideas, and laughter.  Someone who will remind me not to take life so seriously.  I would hopefully do the same for them.

But where to find this person?

I have no idea!

I plan to attend more munches next month but they tend to not attract the churchgoing crowd.  I plan to attend church more often but it tends to not attract the poly crowd.  (That’s not really the reason why someone should attend church more, anyway…)

After second thought, I really do not think there is anything really wrong with having sex on the first date.  It may not be the norm and may not be a practice that would be wise to purposefully set out to accomplish, but if it happens, it happens.  What my last few dates made me realize is that the sexual connection is very important to me.  I do not think that being a well adjusted adult means that I have to start following expected dating protocol.  Reading Audre Lorde’s classic work, Sister Outsider, has made me realize that being a responsible adult actually means listening to and following my own voice.  I do not need to follow society’s dictations, but rather, to the “yes” that is inside.  This is a hard thing to do but it offers the ultimate liberation.

Beyond the superficial, the considered phrase, ‘It feels right to me,’ acknowledges the strength of the erotic into a true knowledge, for what that means is the first and most powerful guiding light toward any understanding. (56)

I got on the internet dating scene because I felt the need to control and speed up the dating process but I feel inside that my best practice will simply be to do what I love and be open to the possibilities that are around me – that is what has worked well for me in the past.  It is hard to give up control but I know the universe has much better directions for me.

(bus outside Sycamore Canyon in Arizona)

 

 

Dating Again – Patience Is A Bitch

Patience is a virtue but she’s also a bitch.  ~ Anonymous

Last time I wrote, I had just broken up.  It was hard at first but after I returned the key to their place, I experienced great closure.  I still think about them from time to time, of course.  Sometimes I see happy memories on Facebook and it reminds me that they really did seem to love me in the beginning.  It is frustrating to see those posts. “What happened?” “Where did the love go?” I ask.  I miss intimacy and sometimes feel lonely when sad.  It makes me glad that I live with two caring roommates.  It feels unreal that a two and a half year relationship is now over and that at one point I wanted to marry them.  Still, life moves on and my stress level has been so much lower since the break-up.

In fact, I am dating again!  A friend convinced me to try internet dating again, since I didn’t seem mired in misery.  She found her husband on OKCupid and her two biggest pieces of advice were to make a profile that is very specific about what you bring to the table and what you are looking for, as this will weed out all those who don’t fit, and to look more for people with shared values, instead of just shared interests.  So I spent a long time writing a profile that was more honest and direct than ever before.  It was scary and made me feel very vulnerable but I am glad I did it. After my last relationship, I now know what I am looking for and so am on the hunt.

I realized that while I do identify as polyamorous, that I want to focus on building a solid relationship with one person first before possibly adding another. Here is what I wrote:

I am ready for a serious relationship and am looking for something long-term. I am polyamorous and pansexual, however I am not looking to be anyone’s unicorn. (been there, done that). I want someone that I can eventually live with and perhaps marry one day. While I would prefer someone who identifies as poly, I really don’t want to come into an already established relationship. What I like about polyamory is the idea that love is not diminished by loving other people, so I want us to be free to explore being with other people while still being committed to one another.

Being so honest, I think, has deterred a lot of people and not many people have been visiting my profile.  But that is not necessarily bad – I do not need to be popular, as long as I find the right person.  I have been messaging with one person almost every day for about a month now and we have been on one date, with another scheduled for this Friday.  I really like this person so far; it’s sort of unbelievable.

Overall, I am very happy and excited about new possibilities, although my new goal is not get too caught up in marriage fever.  After being the maid of honor in one wedding and being asked to be the officiant at my brother’s wedding in October, I almost feel like I am in competition to get married soon myself.  I am aware that constantly having marriage on my mind could lead to unintentionally sabotaging any new relationship and so am trying to take things slow, which is always so hard.  Patience is a virtue brought by a bitch.  Slowing down while not taking time for granted is a constant battle.  A new medication change is helping me with this as it makes me feel a little dopey and foggy – I don’t like it and am hoping the side effect will eventually fade but I guess it might have some benefits right now…  Le sigh.

My insightful friend also shared some book recommendations about making relationships last.

• What Makes Love Last by John Gottman
• The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

I figure while I wait for medications to work and relationships to form, I can, at least, read, although first I have to finish reading Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde, a life changing book.  (Read this book now!  I mean it! If you are a feminist, then this should be required reading.)

In my next post, I will share some funny realizations from my recent first date.  Stay tuned…

 

Poly Wedding Tips

 

They do not love that do not show their love.  ~ Shakespeare 

Some people think that polyamory is just another word for sex addiction but no one would go through being  the maid of honor of the couple they are dating just for sex.  I participated in the wedding a few weeks ago and the whole experience was extremely awkward and difficult.  One thing that did help in the weeks leading up to it was meeting other people that have also been part of their triad’s wedding.  After talking with them, I do know that there are some relationships that can withstand and even become stronger after being part of a wedding, but our relationship did not.  I ended up breaking up with them after the wedding because I came to realize I was being used and not really loved.  

I want to give some tips to people in poly weddings-please take my advice and treat each other right. (These tips are directed towards triads, like ours was, but they can apply to other types too.)

1.Text/Call your third during your honeymoon.  Yes, I know this is your special time, but be considerate of what your third is going through.  No matter how much they love you and are understanding, they are also struggling with insecurity.  Let them know how much you still love and care for them and show concern for their wellbeing.  BTW, this should be common sense.  

2.Have a wedding party table, not a sweetheart table.  It is more fun to have the whole bridal party together than to separate the wedding couple to a table by themselves.  It is more considerate also.  The third should not be left alone at her own table; she may not know many people and being separated from her partners will cause undo loneliness and awkwardness.  For those already struggling with the hierarchical system, a sweetheart table can be painful and isolating.

3.Give your third a wedding gift, especially if they are part of the bridal party. It is common courtesy to give each member of the bridal party a gift for giving up their time and money to be in the wedding.  Even if your third is not a part of the bridal party, still give them something.  This is a potentially isolating time and a thoughtful gift of appreciation will help the other feel valued.

4.Plan a special event for the three of you together for after the honeymoon-you just celebrated the wonderfulness of two people, now celebrate the wonderfulness of three!

5.Above all, communicate and hold true to whatever the three of you discuss.  The keys to a good polyamorous relationship are honest, direct, open communication, tempered with kindness, compassion, and respect.  Check in with each other periodically throughout the whole wedding process to see how everyone is really doing and how to meet the needs of all, as much as possible.  Validate, empathize, and support each other-getting through a wedding is probably the ultimate testing grounds for a poly relationship and if there is not good communication and everyone does not feel valued, heard, honored, respected, and loved throughout the process, then it will fail. No relationship is perfect, but without considerate communication, the third will just end up feeling used, partners may grow distant, and jealousy, hurt, and resentment will win.

Fortunately, I can say that I am doing well.  I was hurt for a while but the moment I left the key to their house inside and walked away, I experienced closure and immense relief.  The relationship started out wonderfully but our dynamic changed a long time ago and unfortunately, it was unsalvageable.  I am still glad that I came out to my dad because I did not have to hide the break-up.  Being able to talk about my polyamorous relationship like normal with my family was incredibly validating and wonderful.  I feel so blessed to have a family, especially in the Deep South, that is accepting of my sexual orientation and lifestyle choices.  My family has shown me what true love and support are and I finally realized that I need my romantic partners to show me the same kind of validation.  I am actually excited to see what the future brings and I am enjoying having a little more free time. I do not regret my first polyamorous relationship-I learned a lot and had many wonderful moments.  I learned that I do want to be in a committed relationship and that I need to put more care in selecting compatible people: when I walked into their house the first time, I knew they were too messy for me to live with, but I didn’t stop dating them because I thought that was petty.  Now I know that I need to listen to my gut, stay true to my goals, and honor my needs.  Still, I am endlessly  grateful for what I once had and I cannot wait to see what happens next.  I will continue to write here about my awkward sexual adventures!

 

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Dita Von Teese Body Positivity

Beauty has no size.  Don’t be afraid to sparkle. ~ Anonymous

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I went to see Dita Von Teese, the queen of burlesque, perform at the Tabernacle.  This was my second time seeing her – I make it a point to see her when she comes to town.  What I love about Dita is that while burlesque may have started as a tawdry show for men, her shows feel more like body-love song to women.  Not just slender women, with nearly impossible bodies perform – plus size women perform too.  People are expected to objectify, hoot and holler every time a person removes an article, without exception.  As a feminist, I have been taught that objectification is bad but I would argue that at these shows, it is good, because we are celebrating the human body, how it can look and what it can do.  I marveled at Dita’s body and how her whole life must be dedicated to being fit and pale skinned but I marveled more at the plus sized women.  Dare I say it?  Yes, by our society’s standards, there were fat women on stage and to me, they were mesmerizing.  The first one is honored as Miss Nude                    Universe – imagine that!  A big woman being honored as having the perfect nude body!  My favorite was the tassel twirler.  She was fat, but gorgeous; sexy, yet loads of fun.  I can barely imagine the courage it must have taken when she first started performing – I know there must have been many naysayers.  Seeing her perform almost made me cry tears of happiness.  “Take that, Hollywood,” I thought.  “The human body IS beautiful, no matter its size.”

When Dita would perform, she had two male assistant dancers with her who danced in the old Hollywood cheese-ball style.  There was even one male burlesque dancer who performed by himself.  He was a matador who artfully hid himself behind a cape, slowly revealing more and more of himself, until all that was left was the shiniest penis you’ve ever seen!  He was wearing a g-string so blinged out, it was like having the great northern star between his thighs.  It felt good to yell at him the way men have yelled at women for thousands of years.

Of course, it is not good to think of people as objects 24/7, but I do think it is good to appreciate the human body – to see it as beautiful, as a work of art, as something sexy, as something fun.  There is something wonderful about consenting to objectification in a world that all too often objectifies without the consent.                                                                            

It was funny to note how the male dancer not only had a blinged cock but tiny, blinged out pasties on his nipples too.  I really want my own pair!

No, really, I do.  I hate wearing bras and even though I have a big chest, I go without a bra as often as I can.  I just find brassieres to be horribly uncomfortable.  My mom did find me some bras that are finally comfortable and so I wear them, but they are quite ugly.  I definitely do not feel like my sexy self while wearing them.  I need some sparkly pasties.

Before I found the ugly, yet comfortable bras, I experimented with going bra less.  This was good, except for not wanting people to see my nipples on days when I was wearing lighter clothing.  Not having pasties or electrical tape at the time, I tried wearing bandaids over my nipples.  This solved the problem, except that I definitely did not feel sexy.  Bandaged nipples is not a sexy look.  I tried to tell my boyfriend that when he wanted a picture of me but finally I took a picture and I think he was surprised at just how unsexy I looked.  “Don’t show that picture to me again!”  Taking off the bandages only gave my nipples a weird, wavy effect.

All this to say that seeing Dita Von Teese inspired me to love my body more and it heightened my desire for appealing underclothes.  I think I may go down to my specialty bra store and see if they have anything that sparkles, or at least something a little more attractive than big bandaids.

 

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A Secret Brought Us Together

People don’t know the half of it but they don’t need to know it either.  ~ Anonymous

My mom was surprised that my dad responded so well to my coming out as poly but I really was not, although I was very relieved.  There are some things between us that I do not think my mom knows about – I’m guessing she does not know about the time my dad walked in on me after just having sex with my then boyfriend.

Yes, that boyfriend, the awful one that caused me to start this blog.  

At the time, I was still living with my parents.  The basement used to be our TV area but things changed and now the top level hosts our family room.  Naturally, b.f. And I wanted some privacy and privacy can be really hard to come by when you’re living with your parents.  We descended to the basement because my parents hardly ever spent time down there, especially when they were two floors above us watching television.  Surely, some sex between the two of us would be safe in the basement, right? Well, it would have been except that I am a slut (really.  I played Janet in Rocky Horror Picture Show for a year in 2005!) and I do not like to put my clothes back on immediately after intercouse.  

Why spoil the mood by putting clothes back on?

Fortunately, b.f. Did put his boxers on.

I say fortunately because as my b.f. Is sitting on the couch and I am curled up next to him completely naked, my very sweet father comes down the stairs and asks us if he can get us anything to drink.

I am mortified.  

The part of my brain that send words to my mouth malfunctioned and all I could say was, “oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.”

My dad, to his credit, immediately turned around and said embarrassedly, “Ok, you’re busy!” He rushed upstairs and needless to say, did not bother us any more that night.  I suspected then and I am positive now that he did not tell my mom.  Everyone involved was embarrassed and just wanted to forget the whole incident. Except, how can you forget something like that, really?  The moment is seared into my brain.

Here’s the weird thing that I am only now realizing in the recall of that terrible event – how my dad reacted brought us closer together.   He kept my confidence and he respected my space.  He did not try to shame me but recognized that I am an adult who deserves intimacy and privacy.  Perhaps he learned the importance of knocking.

A few months later when I announced that I was pregnant, neither of my parents shamed me or got upset.  We accepted that I needed an abortion and we treated it like a logical medical decision because I believe, that is what it is.  Or at least they did.  Unfortunately, the breakup, the hormones, my already too high anxiety, all made me spiral out of control and I spent the next year trying to pick up the pieces.  I eventually was able to pick them up and make my life better but that was only after a lot of misery and heartache.

I guess what I’ve learned is that awkward moments suck in the moment but if handled respectfully can bring two people closer together.  Respect for intimacy earns trust and so I trusted that my dad would accept me.  

I’m still not going to tell my mom about what happened though. Some secrets really are best kept secret.    

 

                                  

 

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Good News!

Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.  ~ Margaret Wheatley

I have good news!  As it turned out, I did not need to get out a flogger in order to convince my bad roommate to leave!  She left a few weeks ago and I couldn’t be happier!  No more walking on eggshells!  I can now turn on my vibrator as loud as I want during the day (and I do).  Bliss!

Another wonderful thing that happened is that with the stress of bad roommate off my mind, I could finally think about telling my dad about my poly relationship.  The other two are going to get married in a few months and the longer I wait, the more awkward it’s going to be when my dad finally finds out, so the day that bad roomie moved, I told my dad over breakfast.  

It was not even awkward at all!

You see, I have been practicing telling my father in my mind and with my therapist for months.  While I love being able to share awkward stories with you all, the anxiety of awkwardness really is not a lot of fun.  I practiced telling my dad about my relationship in a lighthearted, non dramatic way and the day when I felt so positive because B.R. (Bad roommate) was leaving, I knew I was ready.  

Here is how it went, in case you ever need to tell someone you care about about your loving, non traditional relationship:

Hey, Dad, you remember that time about this time last year, when I had a panic attack at my girlfriend’s house and you had to pick me up? And you remember how you spoke to a man on the phone but you didn’t know who he was?

*Pause* – yes…

Well, I wasn’t ready to tell you then but I’m ready now – that man is my boyfriend.  I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend.  It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in and the longest one too.  They’re really good people.  

*That’s great.  I trust that you can pick out good people!  I’m really glad you told me.

(Here’s where my brain turned inside out.  WHAT?!  Doesn’t he remember my past relationships?! How about the relationship that started this blog so many years ago, you know, the one that landed me in the mental hospital and prompted an abortion?!  I think he trusts me more than I trust myself!)

And Dad, here’s where the relationship gets even more out of the ordinary – the other two have known each other longer and are getting married in a few months and I’m going to be their maid of honor.  I know most people wouldn’t be able to handle this kind of relationship, but for some reason, I’m fine with it and am very happy.

*As long as it makes you happy, that’s the important thing!

~~~

And that was that!  I am out and accepted by both of my parents now and B.R. Is gone too!  I feel so free!

My mom had been worried that the news would stress my dad out but he accepted it fine.  I think all of our previous awkward sexual conversations have prepared him for today.  By now, he knows that I am sexually and romantically adventurous and he seems to have accepted it.  What blows my mind is for the trust he seems to have in me – that is a gift that I do not take lightly.  If you ever visit my recovery blog, Hope Is Real!, then you know that I have worked hard on myself and I guess that work shows.  It’s a very gratifying feeling! 

I am so lucky to have parents that are open and accepting.  I don’t want children but if I did, I have two wonderful role models on how to parent nonjudgmentally.  It is also a gift to me that my dad and I can converse so healthily now – we used to have a rocky relationship and we even went to family therapy because all we did was fight. Even though I was an adult, I was stuck in the child’s role and my dad was stuck in the lecturer role.  I hope that can give some of you some hope that family dynamics can get better with time if the people care.  However, I am aware that not all family members do care and if you’re in that kind of situation then I hope you can find satisfaction in living the life you want without them.

Practicing a hard conversation ahead of time is a great skill I’ve learned over the years.  So many people want a quick fix to all their problems, but I have found with my anxiety, that my problems usually get better over time with lots of practice.  Practicing can be miserable sometimes but it also can be fun, especially when what you’re practicing involves floggers and rope.  Have fun practicing whatever your relationship needs, whether that be a hard conversation or fabulous sex!

 

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Sexually Awkward BDSM

Dear Lord, please keep awkward conversations at a minimum today. ~ Anonymous

My “bad” roommate is still living with me and I really want her to move out.  I overheard her today talking with a prospective landlord, which made me happy, although not too happy, as I do not trust that she will be out soon.  The truth of the matter is that I have no idea when she will move out, except that it will be sometime this year, and so I must take every day as it comes and be glad that she spends most of her time in her room.  It also reminds me of a sexually awkward conversation with my mother when I was getting ready to move into where I live now and so I will finally share a funny sexually awkward story with you all.

Probably unsurprisingly, I am into BDSM and I used to be involved with a BDSM support group.  When I broke up with my first dominant, the group was great at helping me feel more confidant as a single person trying to explore the world of bondage.  I also love rainbows and a friend from the group once gave me a flogger made out of rainbow colored yarn.  It’s pretty but not very useful, as it’s thin pieces of rope make it more of a sting-y type of pain and I prefer more of the thud-y type.  (In case you don’t know, “sting-y or thud-y?,” is a common question in the BDSM world to masochists.  I prefer a harder type of hit, because it hurts less to me and when done the right way, actually feels almost like a message.  Try it, if you do not believe me!)

I have a small file cabinet in my room and I keep the flogger in the lower drawer.  This is good, because the drawer looks boring and so other people, like parents, are unlikely to look inside.  

Time travel to three years ago:

 I am so happy because I am finally moving out of my parents’ house!  My parents had been very good to me, but it is time to go.  Hello independence!  My mom is helping me pack and I do not think to volunteer to look through my own filing cabinet….

“What’s this?” She asks, holding my flogger with the multi-colored strings in her hand.

*Oh. My. God. Does she really not know what it is? I can’t believe I have to tell her!*

Gulp.

“It’s a flogger,” I explain, in a quiet voice.  “I don’t really use it.”

“What do you use a flogger for?”

*OH.MY.GOD.*

“It’s used in BDSM….”

In a louder voice: “Why we don’t we look through another part of the room?  I’ll take care of the filing cabinet later.”

Fortunately, my mom let it go and we continued to pack, never mentioning it between us ever again.  My mother does know that I practice Bondage, Domination, & Sadomasochism, but it’s not something we talk about.

*****

My “bad” roommate and I barely talk and although I doubt I would find a flogger in her things, I hope I do not have to help her pack when she moves out.  I will if I have to though.  I wonder what she would do if I asked her which she liked better, sting-y or thud-y? I imagine she would want to leave even sooner – maybe there is a reason for this brightly colored flogger after all?!

                                     

 

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What The World Needs Now Is Love

Another person’s judgment of your lifestyle or your passions says more about them than you.   ~ Colin Wright

Do you remember that quote from my new roommate that I gushed about?

Well, the good book says to love your neighbor and I figure I’ve got enough stuff of my own to worry about, that I don’t need to worry about anyone else’s.

Turned out it was not so nonjudgmental.  Turned out that my roommate does think being bisexual, having a girlfriend and a boyfriend, is wrong and she told my other roommate so.  I am so thankful that my other roommate defended me and told the judgmental roommate that she was not a good fit and that she needed to move out.  

There are other reasons too – we quickly learned that this roommate has a negative personality and is very hard to live with.  Life has been tense here.

The other day, I woke up from a nap in my room when I overheard her talking loudly on the phone that she was being forced out because of her “faith.”

They knew I am a Christian, so why are they upset?  The Bible says it’s wrong – I’m not being judgmental.

I was so angry to hear her talking about me that I packed up a few things and spent some time at my parents’.

I am not going to talk about everything in those statements that made me angry, but this:

Christians are not defined by their judgment of LGBT people.  

In fact, LGBT feminist people can be Christian too.  

I am.

There have been a rise lately on “religious freedom” laws that grant businesses the right to discriminate based on their religious beliefs.  This offends me to the core.  According to my faith, God is Love.  Anything in the Bible that does not support that I feel justified in throwing out.  Even Jesus subverted scripture to support loving all.   Like the old song says, we are supposed to be known to be Christians based on our love, not our rules.  I am worried about LGBT discrimination and laws like these being on the rise with Trump as president-elect.  That is why I am writing to my governor tonight to praise him for standing up to these laws in the past and to continue doing so.  Just because Trump will be president does not mean that discrimination has to unilaterally win.

Last night, as my two partners and I hugged together, I thought to myself,

How can this love be wrong?

Like I have said before, polyamory is about having more people to love and as long as that is done in a healthy way, there is nothing wrong with that.  In fact, to quote a cheesy often sung this time of year:

What the world needs now, is love, sweet love.  It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.

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Pride is Heavenly: Thoughts on National Coming Out Day

The ultimate test of any civilization is how we treat the most vulnerable…what we do to our children. ~ Ravi Zacharias

Today is National Coming Out Day and coming out is still awkward for me.  I find it is often times easier to come out to strangers or friends than to family.  For many other people, coming out is not just awkward but dangerous.  It is illegal to identify as homosexual in many countries and my transgender friends tell me that this is the worst they have seen this country react towards them in the last twenty years.  

Total marriage equality has not happened in the United States – I am painfully aware that polyamorous relationships are not allowed to become marriage.  Like Christina Crosby in her book, A Body Undone: Living On After Great Pain, posits, I think it would be best if the government had nothing to do with marriage and marriage was simply a beautiful ceremony about love and committment.  

It is my belief that the way you determine either an individual’s or a country’s character is how they treat the most oppressed and the most vulnerable.  It makes me sad when I see so many “Christian” people espousing tough love that can become cruel.  The only way anyone can pull on a bootstrap is with other people’s help.  We aren’t born wearing shoes.

This is why I love Pride!  Atlanta Pride is during October, which I know is odd, but it makes me happy, as our summer sun is too punishing for a parade.  This year, I marched with my church in the parade and it was lovely.  There was a moment when the street became narrow for us because there were so many people in the street yelling, “Happy Pride!”  A woman ran forward, got close to the kid holding our banner, and said, “Kid, you are awesome!”  Seeing people make points to high-five and give words of affirmation and appreciation to the kids made my heart swell.  The feeling of love towards all was palpable.  Every type of person was represented and all were there together to welcome an oppressed group in love.  In that moment, I experienced heaven.

I believe we can bring heaven to Earth by welcoming the oppressed and by wholeheartedly showing the Holy One’s love to each other.  This requires dialogue, compassion and a willingness to see the holy in the other.  Some people think that seeing all the open sexuality on display during Pride and the declarations during National Coming Out Day as a problem – I see it as the solution.  We need a planet where everyone is loved and welcomed home.

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